Chapter 2 (went to the gym yesterday)

'I had a very pleasant evening, however, though you will probably find out that there was no particular reason for it; but I do not think it worth while to wait for enjoyment until there is some real opportunity for it.'
--Jane Austen letter of January 21 1799

I don't want to come off making you believe that I've always been single. Of course not. I'm a reasonably attractive man, some semblance of intelligence and on occasion I can tell a joke that doesn't involve a biting, sarcastic evilness. Somewhere along the line though I began associating my personal development based on the relationship that I was currently in. I consider myself a chameleon when it comes to dating because if I fall in love with a girl I tend to begin to mirroring her likes and dislikes. Seriously, I hate the pickles that McDonald's puts on their hamburgers not because I hate them but because a girl I dated in college hated them. I've managed to combine all of the best (and sometimes worst) parts of my friends and former loves. In a way that makes me a better person. To my therapist it means heated towel racks in her second vacation home.

I've had three great loves in my life and several others that lasted less than a month. Usually those just involved casual make-out sessions in various places including my car, her car, the study room in the library, the copy room in the library, the post office, my apartment, my parent's kitchen, the room I grew up in, the room she grew up, in the pool, on the beach and a million other places that two teenagers can find in order to make out. The first, Brandy, was the daughter of our minister and started out as more of a favor to my parents than really because I liked her. We're still friends but after two years of dating it was pretty obvious that we just weren't meant for each other, that probably had something to do with the fact that a month after she left for college she came out as a lesbian. I like to tell myself that I always knew that and that things between us were enjoyed on both sides. But when I push my ego aside and really look at the situation I realize that I got played. No body else knows this but, there are days when I see an old picture of Brandy or run into her parents that I have to wonder why I wasn't good enough. I'm not closed minded enough to believe that I had anything to do with it, but any guy has to wonder about that.

I tend to think too much about things anyway. I'll psychoanalyze something to death, dig though the ashes, resurrect it, kill it again and finally I'll give up. My freshman year roommate and best friend Brion routinely tells me to shut the fuck up when I start to babble on about things. I'll be talking, he'll look at me, I'll stop look at him and then he'll hit me in the forehead with his open hand. Brion is a person whose character is so different from my own that I find it hard to describe him. Yet at the same time his lack of morals, sanity and general interest in things odd and quirky is so clearly polarized in the opposite direction that I find his conversation and general companionship very agreeable. I learned very quickly that Brion and I could hang out together for hours on end talking shit about science, theory, literature (to a point anyway), girls and just life in general. He truly is my brother. I don't mean to get all mushy on the subject but it's rare that someone comes into your life and despite all the obvious differences and always be there for you. The only person in this world, still, that I will get drunk with is Brion. Not because I trust him, since he has before shaved off my eyebrows, wrapped condoms on my ears and a whole barrage of things that had anyone else done I would have killed them for, but because I know that he'll never repeat a word I say in my drunken stupor, let me go home with an ugly girl or let me choke on my own puke.

It was Brion that introduced me to Katie. Katie was an attractive brunette with a spunky personality and a wonderful sense of humor about life and the world. She wasn't from a great family, everything she had she had earned herself but that only made her more attractive. She was punkish, liking things that were a little odd but when you really looked at them you realized that it wasn't just some hippie pot-induced creation and that it actually had some real use. When we met it was instant. Hours spent over cheap cups of coffee just talking with each other. Finally it was time for her to meet my parents. That fall my grandfather had died and although Ian and my family got some inheritance my grandfather chose me to as the beneficiary for most of his insurance policies and for ownership of his house and cars. Suddenly, at 19, I had a home, two cars and about $50,000 in the bank. I hadn't told Katie any of this because, quite frankly, it didn't matter to me because I knew that I wasn't going to be keeping any of it and that I would spend the majority of it paying off his hospital bills and other debts. So while it looked like I was rolling in dough I saw it as nothing more than an inconvience making me waste gas to go back and forth from school to home every three weeks to meet with a lawyer to sign over things that I had no idea about.

Katie and I left school late that night because she had an evening exam that didn't end till almost 9. We climbed in my old beat up Jeep and drove the 3 1/2 hours back to my home town. My parents were out of town visiting my dad's family for the weekend and since it was closer to stop at my grandpa's house for the night that's what we did. The outside lights were off and I could barely see to get the key into the lock. I fumbled around in the dark and realized that my parents had turned off every breaker except for the heat. It was nearing two am by this point and I did not feel like having to find a flashlight and traipse in the snow to the breaker box in the basement. I started the fireplace and turned up the heat. I managed to find blankets and pillows and Katie and I fell asleep by the fireplace.

I awoke about 7 to find a new layer of snow outside; the neighborhood had been transformed from its plain look to a beautiful thick blanket of white. The neighborhood children were giddily sliding down the Berman's hill. I'd managed to find a flashlight in the early morning light, turned on the other breakers in the house and I was standing in my kitchen pouring myself a cup of coffee. Katie walked into the kitchen in my baseball shirt she had stolen the night before. She asked me if I slept well and kept looking around at the kitchen.

We began discussing the house and my grandpa. Katie mentioned that it must be nice for my parents to have two homes. That's when I mistakenly said, 'no, this is my house'. It seemed to be ok when it was my parents second home but it wasn't ok that it was my house. I tried to tell her that it didn't mean anything and that within the next six months it was going to be up for sale. Instead to her it meant that suddenly I wasn't who I said I was. I made a little bit of breakfast and called some of my family to let them know that we were in town and that we were staying at the house. I let her steam a bit and I tried to clean up the kitchen and relax a while before the beginning of what was sure to be a hectic couple of days and weekend. I picked up the previous days issue of the Wall Street Journal and then tossed to the side in favor for The Dispatch's comic page. After reading Peanuts, I felt Katie's hands on my bare shoulders as I sipped from my steaming coffee. She asked what I wanted to do that day. I told her that I wanted to do a bit of Christmas shopping and that I really wanted to get a tree and put that up since we were staying for the holiday. But that my uncle James was worried about us staying in the house alone and to not drive my grandpa's Mercedes to the mall or to get a tree.

"Well isn't that special, God forbid someone should scratch a Benz." Katie said taking her breakfast plate back to the kitchen sink.
"Yeah tell me about it, I don't understand the fascination with anyway." I said.
"It's already 10 we need to be getting ready to go if we're going the malls are going to be absolutely horrible. Why don't you try to wear something nicer than your ratty pull-over and sweatpants?" She said laughing at me. I could tell she was getting into a better mood.

An hour later Katie screamed at me from downstairs. Katie was standing in the foyer putting on her gloves and scarf when I walked down the front staircase. "Wow, you clean up well. Why don't you dress like that at school?"
"Cause I don't trust my roommate for one thing and it's just not practical to be wearing a button-down to class. If I had went to an Ivy League like my grandpa wanted then maybe it would have been, but for me this isn't everyday wear. It's just not practical. Plus it's kinda weird you know, I don't want people to think of me as the spoiled little rich kid"
"Could that have something to do with the fact that you are a spoiled little rich kid?"
"I take offense to that!"
"I'm kidding, but this has all come as a surprise to me. I saw you and your family in a completely different lifestyle. A life more like mine."
"Well don't you worry a bit, they love everyone no matter who they are. They won't treat you any different than they have any of my girlfriends."
"Grab my coat." Katie turned toward me. "Can we just not talk about this anymore? I mean I'm nervously sick about all of this anyway and I just want them to think the best of me despite my music taste, piercings and hairstyle."
"Where is my independent thinker? What happened to that I don't give a shit attitude? Believe me if anyone says anything I'll tell them to shove it." Katie walked out of the front door, I quickly set the alarm and shut the door to lock the deadbolt. I heard Katie's footsteps in the snow heading toward the beat up Jeep that we drove. "Where are you going?" I asked.
"To the car where did you think I was going?"

"We're not driving the Jeep."
"What are we going in then?"
"The Benz of course, I told you that my uncle didn't want me to drive it. But remember it's my car" Katie's arms were crossed over her black faux leather jacket and the gray fur collar was turning white as a light snow fell. She looked annoyed but she walked back through the snow toward me.
"I thought that it was your parents car or something, I never assumed it was yours. So you got the house and the cars?"
"Yeah I told you how this all worked out. The majority of stuff was left to me."
"Oh."
I took the keys out of my pocket as I entered the code for the garage door, it beeped and the door slowly began to ascend. "We can take something else if you want."
"No Ben, I think that the Benz is fine."
"Do I sense sarcasm?" The lights on the car flashed as I turned off the security system.
"Do I sense a poser?" Katie opened the passenger side door. Got in and immediately crossed her arms.
"You hate me now don't you?" I asked as I stopped the car right before I reached the road.

"No Ben I don't hate you, if anything it's jealousy I mean here you are sitting right here the guy that I fell in love with because he had a 'Hey punk dude your cell phone's ringing' T-shirt and didn't care about people's little cliques or completely fitting in. Now you're sitting here wearing shit from fucking Eddie Bauer and driving a car that's worth more than my house. I'm mad cause you were every thing I had dreamed of and you have everything that I've ever dreamed of. I'm pissed cause while my mother was giving birth to my sisters in a drug filled crack house you were living it up in that mansion back there. I'm mad cause you never even gave me the slightest impression that you were loaded; I had no time to prepare to deal with you dropping names and places like you have been the last 24 hours. You are a completely different person and I don't like the person that you are right now."

"And why is that? Because my grandparents had more money than you do? Because I'm not living in some run down shack in the middle of the city like your crack dealing mom?" Jenn's hand met my face like a load of bricks.
"Take me back to the house right now, I'm getting my clothes and getting the hell out of here. I don't ever want to see you again, don't call me, don't send me email, and don't do anything at all."
I put the car into reverse and did a three point turn in the road. "That's just fine Katie. You think whatever you want to think but I can guarantee that it's not anywhere near what's really going on. I took care of my grandpa up till his dying day. Until about two years ago I never even had any contact with him, when I turned 16 he came back into my mom's life. At that point I wanted to do what I had to do as a member of the family not for any inheritance. Why do you think I'm selling it all? I don't want it. I want to make my own way in life."

I'll never forget the way that Katie looked at me at that moment. "I'm sorry" she said. I apologized for what I had said too and we ended up talking to each other about the whole thing for a while. She did help me figure out some really good places to donate my grandpa's money but we were never the same after that. We called it off about a month later.

Brion chalked it up to a difference in views. I chalked it up to being an idiot and letting my ego get in the way. I promised right then and there that money would never control me or another relationship. Five years later I wish I hadn't given the money away or sold the house. I couldn't afford the taxes or the utility bills though, it's better off with the young family that has it now that it ever would have been being my bachelor pad. Still, those cold nights in grad school where I was literally starving it would have been nice to have the check back from the American Heart Association or the Aids Foundation or one of the other charities I donated that money to. It seemed right at the time and I guess it's helped a lot of people.

My most recent love wasn't so much a love as it was a flirty friendship. She was engaged though and while I could barely keep myself from ripping her clothes off every time I saw or spoke to her I still kept my distance in respect to the whole idea of marriage. I prayed though that her finacee would run off with his office assistant or even better his male office assistant. It never happened though. So they married in a fall church service in Conneticut. I still have her picture sitting on my desk.

So I'm not a loser. I'm not too desperate because I do remember what it feels like to have a girl in my arms. But it's going on 3+ years since I've had a serious relationship. My parents are getting worried, my friends are suspicious that I'm hiding some deep dark secret from them and I'm starting to wonder if I smell bad.